SePtEmBeR 19 - 22 2005
Monday September 19 2005

Dear Mr BiGgLeS

I have to spend more time doing my homework! I am getting totally
behind! Its weird cuz I live by myself now which means I have like
almost no interruptions. But really that makes it harder I dont know
why!

Deno was really talking about the dance its sweet. But he doesnt have
to keep making hints about me French kissing him! I dont know
maybe I shouldnt have done it. It like a French kiss isnt a big deal but
I guess it is to him. I dont think hes really kissed very many girls.

later

Mindys here with me I dont like being alone Monday nights! Really I
dont know why it matters cuz nobodys here other evenings either cuz
the antique store isnt open at night. But it just seems weird thinking its
been empty all day. Sometimes somebody will be in the store like just
straightening things or something but not very often. Usually they like
to stay totally out on Mondays cuz thats everybodys day off. And
theres never anybody in here Monday evenings cept me. Oh and
Mindy! lol

I want to delete what I wrote for yesterday I mean about trying out
my XXXmas present. I havent even posted it yet. I used to get that
explicit in my diary when I was younger but I havent been cuz its on
a public site now. Of course Im using pseudonyms but still. But I
want to write a sexy story and I guess thats practice. Mindy might
want to write one with me. Ive written hot poems but havent finished
a story.

Mindy says shes really sorry about my problem I dont know what to
do! I dont want to be a virgin for the rest of my life! Mindy doesnt
know if her hymens broke or not. She hasnt put anything in herself
downstairs but sometimes it happens just from exercise and shes done
a lot of dance and used to do gymnastics. I wish mine broke in dance!

Were having Mabon Thursday and I still dont know whats happening
with Ella and Olive!

Tuesday September 20 2005

Dear Mr BiGgLeS

I talked to Ella and shes still planning on joining Catovidas coven! And
so is Olive! Ella said theyre forming it Thursday on Mabon! And she
said they got more members! Its going to be Catovida, Rad, Ella,
Olive, and two other ppl I think theyre a couple.

But then Ella said she still wants to be in our branch too! And I said
Ella u cant be in two covens at the same time! But then she said
Catovida said she could! And then she said arent I in two covens?
And I said Ella Im in a coven and in a branch of my coven that is not
the same thing. Im representing my coven in the branch thats my
position as Priestess and as a Wiccan tutor. I wanted to tell her she
has to chose Catovidas or ours but I didnt. I have to check.

later

Ok I talked to Goldina. She said Ella has to chose! I knew she did I
just wanted to be sure. U cant be in two covens at the same time! And
she said my situation is different cuz the branch is really like a part of
the coven so theres no conflict. Were also under Miss Sasha which
really makes it confusing. But it works cuz were all working together
in harmony. But Catovida and Rad r not working in harmony cuz they
split us up! Really its not right. I dont want to be disrespectful but I
know everybody else thinks that too.

Im going to talk about something else. I have to get my senior
pictures taken! I really dont like ppl taking my pictures but I want to
be in the yearbook! Really I should have done it already. I can go to a
photo studio where I can really choose what I want but its real
spenny. Germana did that and hers look really good. But I might just
get them taken at a store cuz its a lot cheaper. And really they take
good photos! If I was still babysitting three kids maybe it wouldnt
matter but it does. I have my cell phone payments and Internet and
college and have to buy my own clothes and makeup and everything!
I dont have to pay for room and board but thats it. Oh and if u dont
know board means ur food too.

I cant go to Open House tomorrow at my high school cuz I have
college. Of course Mindys family is going and so is Germanas.
Mommys going with American! I have to tell Daddy about American I
dont know why I didnt. That was just stupid! But Ill see him this
weekend so I will definitely tell him!

Wednesday September 21 2005

Dear Mr BiGgLeS

We had Prayer at the Pole it was totally kewl!

If u dont know its where ppl go to the flagpole b4 school starts and
pray. This year they wanted us to pray a lot for ppl hurt by Katrina
and also for the other hurricane thats coming but I cant remember
what its called. Most ppl who do it r Christian but its for everybody
so we had a lot of Wiccans come!

This is who was there for Wicca. Mindy, Germana, Mexi, Kayla,
Deno, and Bibi whos Germanas friend. There was also this girl named
Brooke and I dont know how she even found out about it! She might
even come to one of our ceremonies which would be kewl and Bibi
might too! Carol wanted to come but she couldnt. I dont know if Ella
and Wendi did it at their middle school I hope they did. I hope Ella
stays with us! But guess what Germana said? She said Austra is
planning to do it at her school! She goes to a Catholic school shes in
5th grade. I think she has a friend who might do it too Im not sure. I
hope so cuz thats kewl!

later

I should never have posted what I did with my XXXmas present!
LMAO j/k  I got so many emails! A lot of ppl want to know was I
fantasizing about them? Thats why I wrote I am not telling anybody
who it was especially not the ppl I was thinking about. Thats totally
personal so dont ask! lol

But somebody said its almost like I was baiting ppl cuz I knew ppl
would wonder if I was thinking about them. Really I wasnt trying to
bait I was just writing my thoughts and feelings and what I did. Its
weird though cuz a lot of ppl r hoping I fantasize about them! Really
thats kewl. I guess I like thinking guys and girls fantasize about me
too its a compliment. As long as they arent stalkers! LMAO

One girl even sent me pics of herself and u know what kind of pics!
;) And some of the guys have sent me pics like that of themselves.
Really some of the girls have too but not in a long time. Its really kewl
when ppl send me their photos. I send ppl pics of me too but only to
ppl who dont read my diary. If u read my diary dont ask me for pics!

Let me explain how it works. I have just two main sites now. One is a
site where ppl can use their real names and post their pics. But that
site doesnt have my diary on it! I dont get explicit on that site or tell
any secrets so it doesnt matter that ppl know who I am. I tell my
friends at school about it and a lot of ppl who know me online go
there too. Thats my amateur site.

But my other site is my professional one and thats where I post my
diary. My diary talks about really private things and gets totally
explicit. Thats why I use pseudonyms. I used to post my diary using
real names when I was like 13 and 14 and I got explicit then too and
even posted photos of myself. I even gave ppl my phone number but
now I know thats not safe! Ppl can get ur address and learn lots of
things about u from ur phone number and ur diary. So be careful!
Some of my online friends go to my professional site but they dont
know about my other site. I know it gets confusing. But the only ppl
who know about both sites r my best friends thats it!

later

I got some good advice! But some of it makes me worry!

Dena said some ppl have a hymen thats so thick they have to have
surgery to cut it open! OMG! Am I going to go to a doctor and say
Im only 17 but I need surgery so I can stick something in my vagina?
U know hell think its cuz I want to have sex! Really I just want to be
able to use my dildo so I can practice. But u straight up cant tell that
to a doctor! I hope I dont need surgery that would totally suck!

But I learned I did something stupid! Beth said when ur coming is the
worst time to try to stick something inside urself cuz when u come u
have contractions and that means u close up! Doh! Why didnt I think
of that? But Beth and somebody else who doesnt want me to say who
he is think maybe I just need help. They both said I should have
somebody help me get my dildo in! And somebody I know online
volunteered to help me get it in but I wont say who! LMAO I really
wanted to do it by myself but maybe I do need help. And that would
definitely be better than surgery!

But who do I ask? It has to be a best friend cuz it would be totally too
embarrassing to ask anybody else! But Mindy hasnt put anything
inside herself either so it cant be Mindy. Mindy said that too. Lauras in
Chicago and really I dont think shed feel comfortable helping me
either but thats ok. It is so kewl that I can email her now! She hasnt
had email since she moved right b4 we started 8th grade.

So I guess the only ones I could ask would be Becky or Germana.
They both read my diary so theyll know what Im thinking about
which is totally embarrassing! Theyve both had sex so they know
what its like. Germana is a great friend shes one of my best friends!
And I think shed be a great help. But I dont know if shed want to do
that! Somebody suggested I ask Becky cuz shes had experience and
Ive known her for years so maybe I should ask her. Ill even see her
this weekend. But how do u ask somebody to do something like that?

Thursday September 22 2005

Good Mabon!

I have to keep my diary shorter. I have to do homework I cant write
my diary all day long! lol

Deno wants to go out with me again! Really I dont know why I
shouldnt cept Germana thinks he wants to be my boyfriend! She said
maybe I should date somebody else first so he doesnt get the wrong
idea. Really I guess thats true. But I dont know who!

Mommy and American both went to Open House at my high school
last night I wish I could have gone! But of course I had Spanish.
Mommys talking about American a lot I have to tell Daddy! I know
hell get jealous!

later

Heres some really great news. Ella isnt joining Catovidas coven! Yay!
I am so glad shes staying with our branch. Really she didnt want to
leave she just thought she could be in both. She didnt go to Mabon
with us cuz she wasnt sure if she could. But I said of course u can!
Shes still a member! Im sorry she missed it but I am so glad shes
back! And she and Wendi both invoked the Goddess at the pole and
Austra did at her school too! That is so kewl!

But heres some bad news. Olive did join Catovidas group! I already
knew she would cuz she wanted to be a Wiccan Initiate she didnt
want to wait. I wish she had more patience!

Heres who was with us for Mabon. Elder Priestess Miss Sasha, High
Priestess Goldina, Priestess Artariel thats me of course, Initiate
Sennyoko thats Mindy, Initiate Sealegs thats Carol, Germana, Austra,
Kayla, and Deno. Thats ten ppl! The only bad part was Deno wasnt
comfortable being the only guy. I thought he was but he said he
wasnt. I wish Quinn was still here! Really I wish Catovida was still
here too. I still hope hell come back. But we straight up do not need
Rad. Im sorry cuz I dont like saying anything bad about anybody but
he is straight up a disruptive influence. I think hes really the one who
split us up.

We had a really good Sabbat. Mabon is the day when light and
darkness r equal but darkness is starting to win. It changes the
relationship of the God and Goddess. I wrote about it on my site so if
ur reading my diary u can check out what I wrote about Wicca!

Ok Ill tell u what I learned about my problem downstairs but Im not
going to write about that every day! lol Somebody gave me some
good advice but he doesnt want me saying who he is. He said if my
hymen is totally sealed then thats called I think inpenetrate I cant
remember. But if u have that u cant even have a period cuz the
menstrual blood cant get out of ur vagina. So thats not it cuz I have
periods.

Then he said theres another condition where u have just a really tiny
opening thats big enough for ur period but not for anything else. But
cuz I can get a tampon in thats not it either! Oh and he said it might
be harder for me to get a tampon out than in cuz when it fills with
blood it makes it bigger. Thats like what Beth said. My friends not a
doctor but hes had lots of medical classes at college he knows a lot!
He said the only other thing he could find is just that I have to break
my hymen! If I cant do that then he said I should see a doctor but I
straight up dont want to see a doctor about that!

And then heres more news about my problem. Becky doesnt want to
do it! She said shes totally comfortable doing sexy things with me but
breaking my hymen is like practicing medicine. She said I should get a
guy to do it! And Im like I am straight up not asking some guy to
break my hymen cuz that means Id be having sex! I want to break my
hymen b4 I have sex and Im not ready to have sex with anybody yet.

Mindy says shed like to help but of course shes never put anything
inside herself not even a tampon so thats ok. But its still sweet! But
guess who said she could help? Germana! I didnt think shed be
comfortable but she said she is! Really I dont think she wants to do it
but she said she would if nobody else would. Isnt that kewl? She
really is a great friend shes one of my best friends! I cant do it this
weekend cuz Ill be with Daddy and Becky and my cuzins. And I want
to see Herbie and my friends too. And of course Ill be too busy the
week after that but maybe I could next weekend. But Ill have to wait
til everybodys out of the antique store cuz I dont want them to hear
me! LMAO

Ok Ill talk about something else. I have a lot of birthdays! Carie thats
Stacys best friend who I used to babysit is 12 today so Happy
Birthday Carie! Of course she doesnt read this! lol If u dont know
Stacy is Herbies little sister shes 12 too. Then Kevin and Beth those r
Beckys bro and sis r having their birthdays this weekend. Kevin will
be 21 and Beth will be 19. I have an online friend named Beth too so
dont get them confused! Shes 16 1/2 shes a year younger than Becky
and me she was even born the same month we were.

Ok Mindy and I still have things we want to do and its already late!
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Lorien's Crib    Diary Dates
Ella and Olive r still
planning to join
Catovidas coven
which means they
cant be in our Wiccan
branch!
A lot of ppl want to
know was I
fantasizing about
them?
Ppl r sending
me their pics!
I want to delete
what I wrote for
yesterday I mean
about my XXXmas
present
I dont want to
be a virgin for
the rest of my
life!
Were having a
split when we
should be working
together in
harmony
Prayer at the
Pole was totally
Kewl!
I have two websites
and they r very
different
I got some good
advice about
losing my cherry
I got more good
advice about my
problem
Who can I ask to
help me?
Mabon was
good and Ella
isnt leaving our
branch!
I got somebody
to help me
break my
cherry!
Theres a lot of
birthdays
coming up